Excuses

Gosh haven't written in here for so long, but then again that's a good thing yes? I don't know. I don't know what I'm about to write or what I should. As months pass I find that I have lesser things to say, because all I do is go around in circles. I have these many voices and thoughts in my head that I can't pinpoint. I want something, only to change my mind the next 5 seconds. Not because I want to but because situations warrant it. I am very thankful with what I've got but some parts in life, I am a tad bit unlucky, or maybe I brought it upon myself. I don't know what I'm saying. I feel like I hold back a lot. Why is it so easy for some people to know what they want, jump into it, and move on if it backfires? I feel like I'm just staring at the ground below from a cliff high above, deciding whether I should jump, and would always to turn back instead of taking the risk/chance. I think taking risks/chances are a load of bull, it's overrated. Not with careers or anything of the sort, those things are life-changing and could give a high return, but with people. I just see no point in it. People will always be people. Are we really going to die without the mere existence of one person? No, there are almost 6 billion other people that we can know. So why is it important for us to fixate on something that's not even 'it'? And people disappoint. I don't know if I have ridiculously high expectations, sometimes I do sometimes not, and they just disappoint, why should I take risks only to get burned many times? Gosh, I sound bitter hey but I really am not, I just float around. I feel something, but I don't feel too much, just occasionally I do, when I have nothing to do. Some of my friends think I'm too negative, too pessimistic, like my poli sci tutor, but I call myself a realist - wouldn't it be better to expect the worst, rather than hope? That sounds astoundingly morbid come to think of it. What has happened to me? When did I become this person? I used to believe I could do anything, achieve anything, know what I want - the only thing that hasn't changed about me is my love for Juventus - but here I am now, unsure of the future, not knowing what to do, and fighting this jumbled up emotions within and I can't even decide how I want to deal with things because sometimes, I don't think I even know myself, I need my friends to tell me what I'm like or who I am. I think this entry is xanga-worthy, ha ha. Um, so yes, I guess that's all for now. Not that anyone's going to read this, but I would love it if someone who's gone through early 20s confusion could just tell me how it'll all work out in the end. But I'm happy, I really am. Hanging out with my friends keep me happy, they're all I've ever looked for in people - acceptance, that it's okay to be who you are. Okay, now I'm just getting sappy and cliched like a bad chick flick they show on the telly. I just think it'd be nice not to be disappointed for once, I think I've had too much of it, yes I know other people have it worse, but really, I just really, really need something consistently good in life so that I know all is not yet lost, that there's some nice/good part of me is still alive.... I feel dead sometimes. I don't know why but Streisand in The Way We Were comes to mind when she says, "but I'm a very good loser, I've had lots of practice." What bullshit, no one should ever be put in that position. That's why I love that movie so much; because Streisand is my greatest fear - I never, ever, ever want to become that woman, to have invested so much only for everything to turn into dust, and I've seen it happen so many times - so really why bother people? Why?